Monday, March 17, 2008

loose lips sink ships

I've been 'blurting' again. Maybe I need Blurters Anonymous?

Friday afternoon at work, I apparently blurted a brief statement out, and then forgot all about it. (I said "nurse Blank" got fired from "X facility" for " whatever" at work. God! I'm an idiot!)

The weekend proceeded without much ado.

Monday afternoon I just had a bad feeling about going to work. I almost overslept, as a matter of fact, and then had to rush BIG TIME to make it in under the wire with 1 minute to spare. *(Because, bottom line, I don't like it there. Lately, I have caught myself being super negative, and gossipy. Talking too much with too many people. Because, I really don't like working there, following that particular day shift crew. And, I still haven't forgotten how bad it was when I worked there years ago.)

About 15 minutes after walking in, I got a call from a co-worker in the building. It was a co-worker who was highly upset with me for 'blurting' and at first, I honestly didn't remember what she was referring to... until...

I remembered. I got red. I wanted to just quit and never come back to the God-forsaken place again. Because, all day, 'all the day shift nurses' had been talking about it, stewing in the negative vibes, etc. And now I would carry the label of "Unforgiven" until someone else does something equally as stupid and thoughtless.

Now, all is not gloom and doom, because at Sunday worship, one of the main points that was stressed was that we all are going to have negative feelings, and low self-esteem, but not to give up.

So I won't give up. I'll carry on, being the same big-mouthed creep that I have always been deep down inside. The creep that fooled everyone for a long time, even herself, until this past week. That terrible habit of blurting out the wrong thing has never really left after all. It simply hid it's ugly self until the going got tough, and well, here we are.

So now it's time to drag through every day, checking and double-checking all my paperwork, hoping I don't make a fatal mistake for her to find. Because she will be looking. Everyone at work, heck, just everyone has a story about a time that THEY put their foot in their mouth. We all do it at least once in our lives, I know. But this place is already a swirling vortex of misery every day.

Well, maybe I'll get forgotten when the next weather disaster/massive bombing-shooting-suicide/financial catastrophy hits the news.

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What's the story?

During the past 46 years, I've lived in Connecticut. I've traveled up and around the U.S. and to Puerto Rico, and loved every minute. I've had 4 children who are now fantastically talented adult artists and comedians. I've been married and then divorced and then engaged and then single and finally *big sigh* content. I've grown into a darn good nurse, cook, seamstress, and Mom.

Maybe one of these days I'll get this 'writing' thing down, too.

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I am where I do and am not where I don't. Not what I was or will be, just 'me'.

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